Craig Clemens

Craig's Photos

 

About Craig Clemens

While Craig is known for his club nights, special events, and as the driving force behind the movement to rid Hollywood nightlife of Ed Hardy and Affliction-esque shirts forever... he is perhaps better known for his writings on the Hollywood scene, such as the classic, "You Know You Live In Hollywood When..."

-Your 16 year old sister can get into more clubs than you can

-Your 16 year old sister slept with a guy who was on a season of The Real World... that aired when she was 7

-If you're a girl... you can't remember the last time you dated a guy under 35

-If you're a guy... you can't remember the last time you dated a girl over the age of 19

-You are reading this right now thinking that you probably should have carded her to be sure she was REALLY 19

-You've found yourself awake at stranger's house in hills at 6:45am on a Tuesday morning snapping pictures of the sunrise with your cell phone... and didn't think anything strange of it

-You have the addresses of several popular afterhours party spots programmed in your phone though you've never even met the owners of the houses

-You secretly go to the Saddle Ranch on Friday and Saturday nights to pick up on tourists

-Nearly every girl you know has had the same creepy old guy offer to take her "shopping"

-You've gone out to dinner with someone to "talk business" only to discover that the so-called "agent" was only interested in casting himself into your pants

-You've seen someone tip a bathroom attendant with a line

-You can spot a fake Louis Vutton bag from a mile away

-You think any car worth less than 100K is a bucket

-You've dated someone you met at Whole Foods

-Fountain St. has changed your life

-You can name 3 of Paris Hilton's cars

-Everyone you know is either LOADED or FLAT BROKE

-You hate The Hills but you watch it anyways

-You've told someone you eat at Urth Caffe more often than you actually do because you thought it will get them to think you were cool... and it worked

2008 Update

-You wouldn't be caught dead wearing anything Ed Hardy (Though you still can't bring yourself to throw away the trucker hat)

-You have a friend who thinks they are a celebrity because they were caught in the background of a TMZ video

-You get more "promoter texts" on a Monday than people who live in other cities get in a month

-You have a 944 photo as your myspace/facebook default pic, but secretly wish it was one of those cool Wire Image ones with your name on the bottom

-You actually DO have a Wire Image photo as your default pic, and therefore feel like you've finally "made it"!

-You don't even blink when a 60-year-old man gets into Les Deux before you do

-Getting "back to nature" is a visit to Runyon Canyon

-You open up a playboy and see the girl who was doing lines off of your counter/cock/boobs the night before

-You see Ralph from the Scorpions more often than you see your own parents

-You know at least one Pink Dot driver by name

-You would never date someone with an 818 phone number... for good reason

-When watching Entourage or the Hills you get excited when they go to a restaurant or club you've been to... and it makes you feel like you are cooler than your friends who live in shitty places like Cleveland.

2009 Update

-You spend the first 10 minutes of your work day deleting Facebook evites

-You become secretly FURIOUS when a friend of yours throws their birthday party at a club that is no longer "cool", knowing you might actually be seen there

-You or people you know actually believe Chin Chin's to be good chinese food

-It starts raining and everyone forgets how to drive

-The club you went to last night has had 3 different names in the last 9 months

-You have happily waited over 30 minutes in line to eat off of the Kogi roach coach

-You partied with AM when he was fat, Jessica Simpson when she was skinny, and Lance Bass when he was straight

-50 year old rich guys are constantly whisking your girlfriends away to Cabo

-If you are female, upon arriving in Hollywood, you are handed a script to recite should you get stuck waiting outside of a club. It goes something like this, "OMGGG this is soooo stupid, I like NEVER wait outside of a club. Ugh. Omg. Fuck this. I'm leaving... In 5 more minutes."

-If you are male, you don't know what they are talking about because although you have been there 3 weeks in a row you have yet to see the inside of the club

-You have taken a 5 minute cab ride that somehow cost 25 dollars

-Although you can crack the velvet rope of any nightclub in the city within seconds... every Sunday you still find yourself waiting 20 minutes to get a table at Toast

If you can relate to any of these... and if you want to be absolutely certain that not a single shirt with skulls, dragons or (gasp!) sequins will make it through the front door of your prom this year, vote for Craig.